1.  Don’t praise your kids
Really? I hear you say. Well, it depends on how you do it but for most of us we do more accidental long term harm than good when we praise our children. Resilient children who grow into emotionally robust adults have learnt how to objectively assess their own successes – they are not reliant upon any external validation, and they see mistakes as wonderful growth opportunities.
So think about it, when your child brings you their drawing and says, “What do think Mummy/Daddy?” and you say, “Well done, you’re such a great artist”, that is your own assessment of the art work, and your personal endorsement of its worth. If this type of external endorsement occurs over and over it becomes harder for your child to learn how to objectively view it for themselves. You may also be rewarding an innate ability that actually took little effort, so this can build an association for the child that anything that requires effort must mean they’re no good because they shouldn't have to try that hard. In the end they may grow into adults who will constantly seek validation from others because they have never learnt how do it intrinsically. And they may develop a fixed mindset to equate mistakes with failure, and effort with meaning they are no good.
 
But don’t despair, this doesn't mean you can’t offer support, it’s how  you word that support that can set up your child for life. You can do three specific things to help:

1. Help them to assess their own worth – “What do you think of your drawing? What do you like the most about it? What have you learnt while doing it?”
2. Praise for effort, not natural ability – “I can see that you spend time to make sure you coloured within the lines”, “I can see the care you took in choosing the mix of colours you used”, “I can see the care and effort that went into this”
3. Help them understand the importance of seeking feedback for mistakes, so they may learn and grow – “I’m glad you came and asked for help, seeking feedback helps us to become better and better”, “I understand that you’re disappointed with how this looks, so what can you ask your art teacher so you can improve for next time, because not getting something right is a wonderful opportunity to learn more?”

 
2.  Don’t always buy them what they ask for
It’s not our kids fault but they have grown up in a world that doesn't wait for anything. Teaching them some self-control, to wait and save for things is a wonderful skill you can give them. Patience is a learnt skill, so they need to have opportunities to experience it to develop it. Yes, they’ll likely whine and tell you that ALL their friends already have one (whatever it is!). But there is plenty of research to show children who learn to delay gratification grow into more resilient adults. Without us helping them, they enter the adult world ill-equipped to save for their first car, or how to say no to that piece of cake. Even learning how to be grateful for a gift they might not like is something they need to learn. The alternative can look quite ugly…..watch the video below if you’re not sure what I mean!​
 
3.  Don’t over-protect them
All we want for our kids is to be happy. I'm sure it’s for that reason we over- protect them from failure. Yet in doing so we prevent them from learning how to master important life skills. One study found children who were granted more freedom became significantly more active and their teachers perceived the children to be more social, more resilient and more creative. And interestingly, injuries did not increase. Without taking some risks as children, they grow into risk-averse adults who can be psychologically fragile, socially awkward and unable to deal with everyday basic challenges that life throws at them. Making everything right for your children can make their teen and adult years scary and stressful. It’s a skill that can only be learnt from experience, please don’t deny them that experience. Let them climb that tree, dig in the dirt, walk bare feet or ride the bike to the park by themselves.
 
4.  Don’t let them eat dinner in front of the TV or in their rooms
Our children are already exposed to more hours in front of a screen than any other generation, so at least enjoy a meal together! There can be so much family richness that incidentally occurs when families eat and chat together over the evening meal. We have always encouraged the talk by going around the table sharing:

• The best thing in our day
• The most challenging thing in our day
• What we are most grateful for in our day

We've found these three questions have very specific purposes – asking the ‘best thing’ encourages us to hunt for the good stuff (to help counter our minds natural negativity bias); the ‘most challenging thing’ opens up a space to make sense of the world when something unkind or unfair has happened; looking for what we’re ‘most grateful’ for reminds us not to take things for granted to appreciate all the good in our lives (which increases wellbeing and reduces the risk of depression).
Sometimes we’ll have ‘bad manners night’ where we don’t use a knife and fork and simply bog into our meal with our hands. It creates loads of laughter and bonding together. Or other nights we’ll slow right down and savour our meal – eating in silence for the first part of the meal to really appreciate all the tastes and textures and to give thanks for all of its goodness. Family time together helps develop important social skills for life.
 
5.  Don’t berate yourself for mistakes or comfort yourself with alcohol
Our children are sponges. How we behave is what they observe to be right. If I say out loud, “I’m such an idiot, I can’t even bake cakes properly”, then my children will inherently believe that if things go wrong for them it must be because they are stupid. Or if I come home from work and say, “I need a glass of wine, it’s been such a hard day”, then by association my children will adopt a belief that alcohol is a cure for stress. Whether we like it or not, our children will model our behaviours – the good and the bad. So be very careful what you are modelling to encourage positive self-talk and healthy behaviours for dealing with stress.

So that's it, my 5 suggestions for happy children. I wish you every success with raising your children and enjoying the journey.

Knowing we have the ability to re-wire our brains, and we don't have to live with limiting thoughts and beliefs that hold us back, is truly motivating in my work with my clients. I have the privilege of watching people, young and old, transform themselves and get to live the life they desire. Best of all, the tools to achieve this significant change are free and accessible to anyone. 

Here's my 5 steps to rewire your brain to live the life you desire:

1.  Manage your thoughts
By changing our thoughts, we can begin to rewire our brains to see the world in new and different ways. This process takes time, effort and intention but know that it is achievable with practice. I think of it like learning to drive a car – in the beginning it takes a lot of concentration and effort but over time it gets easier and easier, and today you drive with virtually no effort. When we repeat new ways of thinking, at first it takes effort but over time it becomes who we are with little effort required.
 
The thoughts and beliefs we have about ourselves and our world play a huge role in how we feel and how we behave. Releasing yourself from negative thoughts is dependent on your ability to change unhelpful beliefs, by getting rid of old ones and replacing them with new and empowering ones – which rewires your brain.

How do you know which beliefs to change? Sometimes it is obvious, like you say to yourself, “I’m useless, I can’t even make a cup of tea” – you can hear that is a negativity. However, sometimes it’s subtler, like keeping yourself really busy in the kitchen at parties because that behaviour protects you from having to interact with people which could tap into a deeply held fear of being disliked. In this case you can’t hear any direct words in your head, but deep down you really know you’re avoiding having to talk with strangers.
 
To help uncover unhelpful beliefs, it may help to ask yourself:

• How does this thought/behaviour make me feel?
• What would things be like if I didn’t hold this belief or behaviour?
• What caused me to believe this in the first place?
• Where did I learn this?
• How does this belief guide my actions and choices in life?
• Is this thought considerate, kind and reasonable towards myself and/or others?

 
Once you’ve been able to establish the negative thought or behaviour, you are ready to begin shifting it and replacing it with a new, more realistic and functional belief.
 
We do this by gently stopping that thought or behaviour as soon as it begins, and then ‘reframing’ it.  
 
Let’s use our two examples above to demonstrate how you do this. If you think to yourself “I’m useless, I can’t even make a cup of tea” – you can reframe that into something like, “No one can be perfect all the time, I chose to look at how much I have accomplished, and I am still progressing”.

Or you notice that you’re keeping yourself busy in the kitchen at the party, so you gently challenge that avoidance behaviour by saying to yourself, “This is an opportunity, instead of a threat. I will use this experience and my kind nature to learn something new, to change my direction, and to try a new approach”.

2.  Mindfulness Meditation
Self-critical minds can be very busy minds, and it can feel exhausting. To help break the cycle, you will benefit greatly from doing daily Mindfulness Meditation. Try to do 10 minutes each day. I use an App called Mindful Creation which I really like, or there’s a good free one called ‘Smiling Mind’ with some very short ones which can be good for starting out. Doing this will help to quieten your mind and eventually enable you to observe your thoughts/feelings, rather than being a slave to them. It also gives your ‘busy’ mind some restful time. Don’t worry too much if you find it hard to stay focussed when you first start, this is natural. Try not to judge how you go, rather just do it as best you can and know that with practice it will get easier.
 
3. Be Grateful
Start using gratitude to build new neural pathways that are alert for the good things in your life, to counter-balance our brain’s negativity bias. You do this by writing three things that you're grateful for in your day (or thankful for, or went well). These don’t need to be big things. I could simply be being grateful for a friendly check-out person at the supermarket. Also reflect on what was your contribution to that good thing happening. Here’s a good article here that explains the science of gratitude if it interests you. 

4. Set goals
Setting goals can be a very positive practice. There has been a lot of research on the benefits of goal setting to help maintain a happier and healthier life. Your dopamine system, which is a chemical that is released every time you experience a reward, is reliant upon goal setting and achievement. So as dopamine is released into the part of your brain responsible for positive rewards, you are essentially motivated to repeat this occurrence. When you set goals and accomplish them, you and your brain are rewarded (Mehta, 2013). Read here about how to write a goal that you can achieve.
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5. Have more fun
Dr Barbara Fredrickson is best known for her Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions. In this theory she proposes, “that the positive emotions broaden an individual’s momentary mindset, and by doing so help to build enduring personal resources (Fredrickson, 2003, p. 332).” The experience of positive emotion leads to novel thoughts, activities and relationships, which in turn provides more personal resources, such as social support, improved skills and resilience to overcome obstacles.
Here's some things that you might like to try to build your positive emotions:

• Watch a funny movie and laugh
• Listen to an upbeat song and sing along to it
• Engage in an activity or hobby that provides you pleasure
• Have fun and talk with friends
• Read an inspiring book
• Play board games instead of watching television
• Exercise

 
There is no quick fix to a happier, more empowered life. However, thanks to the benefits of neuroscience, we now know it possible to rewire your brain to live the life that you desire. I wish you every success with that. And remember, if you need some help along the way, I am only a call away!