Recent research reveals that over-thinking negative life events and using self-blame is a risk factor for depression and anxiety. Rumination (to mull something over and over) is not a very healthy way of processing emotions. Yet most of us do this without realising the impact. When something doesn’t go well, many of us quickly drop into thinking and re-thinking how we could have done better, or why we failed. This repetitive negative ‘record’ only serves to make us feel down.

Next time you notice a negative reflection going around in your head, do your best to simply stop it. Don’t be angry or frustrated at it, simply notice it, remember that over-thinking doesn’t serve you well, and stop that thought. You may try replacing it with something more realistic or helpful, or you may wish to intentionally shift your thoughts to something good – such as an outing that you have coming up or even reminiscing about something from the past that was fun.

There is a fine balance between rumination and self-reflection though. It is good to reflect with curiosity and care when something doesn’t go to plan, so you can grow and learn. But to simply replay a bad event over and over, berating yourself for what went wrong, doesn’t serve any good purpose. If you reflect through a place of love and care for yourself, with a true desire to grow and learn, then you are more likely to benefit.

In addition to avoiding over-thinking, try to intentionally fuel your brain with positive emotions through being grateful, doing acts of kindness, exercising and having fun.

If you work on minimising the negative thoughts and maximising the positive ones, you may find a whole lot more wellness, happiness and fulfilment in your life. Good luck.

Sometimes we can underestimate the impact our words have on how we feel and behave. There are a few phrases that accidently have a negative or disempowering affect. Here’s the main ones that I hear, maybe you can relate to them:

I don’t have time
“I really want to get fit but I just don’t have time”; “I want to learn how to play guitar but I don’t have time”; “I want to start practicing meditation but I don’t have time”……you know the sort of thing. I invite you to reflect on your last week and consider what you did make time for. Did you watch a compelling reality TV show? Did you do some clothes shopping? Did you use Facebook for more than 15 minutes? We can usually find time for the things that we really want to do. The reality is that if we really wanted to get fit/play guitar/meditate, we would find the time. A good starting point is to change your story about not having time. It’s a story, and one that’s not serving you very well. It’s also very helpful to do away with the word “should”. Any sentence with “should” in it means it’s not going to happen. For example, “I should go running tomorrow morning”. Change it to “will” and notice how much more empowering that is. Also ask yourself, “if not now, when?” We’re unlikely to have any more time in the future, so what are you waiting for? Another tip is to break your goal down to tiny little achievable bits. For example if you want to get fit, start with a two minute run, that’s it – no more, no less. Celebrate that you achieved it; pat yourself on the back. The next day, run for three minutes, and so on until you’re running for 30 minutes (or whatever your goal is). Reduce the original goal down so small that you will achieve it, then build on it from there. And remember not to use lack of time as an excuse, end that story and it has less chance of effecting you.

I’ll be happy when…….
This is commonly spoken or thought…..”I’ll be happy when I buy that new house”; “I’ll be happy when I finish my degree”; “I’ll be happy when I retire”’ etc etc. The reality is that you can chose to be happy now. Chances are that when you get the thing that was going to make you happy, it actually doesn’t. Why? Because happiness is an inside job. Often people look for a quick fix to their feelings of discontentment and believe that material things will shift that. Material purchases and even a big win in the lottery will usually bring immediate, yet short term, satisfaction. Deeper and longer life satisfaction is borne from being grateful for what we do have, giving to others, helping others, showing compassion and care. Next time you hear yourself saying, “I’ll be happy when…..” perhaps pause and reflect on all the things that you have to be grateful for right now, and go and do a random act of kindness for someone….and see how you feel then.

I can’t help it
I hear this one often from my clients…..”I can’t help it, that’s just how I am”. I invite you to really consider if this is true. No doubt that many of us have life-long ways of thinking and behaving, so they become more automatic but we can usually change them if we chose to. If you lose your temper too easily, eat too much, dislike certain people (race/gender) or anything that you feel is simply how you are, I encourage you to reconsider this. We can all change up thinking or change a behaviour that is not serving us a good purpose. Yes, it will take some discipline and time but it is achievable. When an incident happens that automatically triggers a response that you feel you can’t help, gently pause and ask yourself what other way you could consider this.

I can’t forgive them
The most common resistance that I hear about forgiving, is that if I forgive them it means I’m saying what they did was OK and it wasn’t, so I refuse to forgive. Holding onto this anger and resentment only serves to continually make you feel worse and drained, and doesn’t actually change the bad thing that happened to you. I invite you to flip forgiveness on its head. You forgive simply because you want to move on and you recognise that holding onto it is not good for you. It does not mean, in any way, that you’re saying what they did was OK. You are simply acknowledging that what happened to you was hurtful and unfair but that for your own sake you chose to forgive (not to forgot or condone). It might help to place your hand on your heart, take a few deep breaths, and see yourself letting it go for your own good. You will be the beneficiary of this action, not the perpetrator.

I hope that these suggestions may help you shift some unhelpful language that you might be using, so that you may live a happier life.

Eleanor Roosevelt understood the strengths of women when she famously said, “A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.” And this is my experience with women, often when their backs are against the wall, they find a strength that they probably didn’t know existed. Yet women can be their own worst enemy. They are their own harshest critic, the first to chastise themselves and seldom do they feel they did well enough. Often this self-criticism is unwarranted and unjustified, yet it is this very quality that also gives women that inner strength that Eleanor Roosevelt noticed.
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema was a professor of psychology at Yale University, and her research supports that women really do have four special strengths:
1.       Emotional Strengths
Women have strong emotional intelligence that enables them to understand their own feelings and those of others. They use this understanding to better cope with life. These emotional strengths makes them skilled at making major decisions because they can anticipate the emotional consequences of their life decisions.

2.       Relational Strengths
Women have a tremendous ability to connect with other people. During stressful times they turn to their strong social networks for support. They also use their relational strengths to inspire others to give their best and to work towards a common good.

3.       Mental Strengths
Women have a unique flexibility of mind that helps find creative solutions to problems. And they’re not at all precious about it being done their way; just as long as it gets done.

4.       Identity Strengths
Women have a strong sense of their values and identity. This helps them to deal with change and uncertainty because their sense of themselves isn’t dependent on what they do, what they have or who they are.

Further studies[i] have also identified that these four strengths assist women equally at home and in the workplace. They can communicate the values, purpose and importance of an organisation. They are optimistic and excited about their organisation's goals and inspire others to be just as enthusiastic. They focus on the development and mentoring of others and on their individual needs. They gain the respect and loyalty of others.

This isn’t about arguing over whether women are better than men. And it’s not about man bashing. It’s about putting forward some facts that show women have many strengths that are of significant worth, in the hope that more women will stop under-valuing themselves. I have seen so many women at their lowest point who still dig a little deeper to go on regardless of every instinct telling them to stay in bed. Women are so incredibly strong and morally courageous and I wanted to acknowledge and celebrate each and every one of you.

I am blessed to be surrounded by many women whom I admire, respect and model from. My mother, like so many women of her generation, has been an exemplar of these unique strengths.

I encourage all women to celebrate their genetic gifts and be empowered by them.  And for men to embrace and engage with these strengths. When men and women unite their strengths together, that's when real progress is made.

[i] . Psychologist Alice Eagly of Northwestern University compiled 45 studies comparing the leadership styles of men and women