live life coaching - Stephanie Noon
0416 097 747
  • Home
  • Meet Stephanie
  • About
  • Services
    • Individual
    • Group/Team
    • Presentations & Workshops
  • Testimonials
  • FAQs
  • Workshops
  • Blog
  • Contact

How to give feedback that helps children for life!

30/3/2014

Comments

 
Picture
Is this the way that you praise your child? - “I’m so proud of your drawing, you’re an incredible artist” or “Wow, you are so fast at running, well done”. I know that I used to praise my kids something like that. Surely that’s such a positive way to speak to your child, right? Wrong, Carol Dweck, Professor of Psychology at Stanford University finds that we may be doing them a dis-service with this sort of labelling praise. Let me explain this further because understanding how we are accidently giving our children a ‘fixed mindset’ is such an important part of more successful parenting.

We, as parents, are significantly contributing to the beliefs (or mindset) of our children. When we praise our children for ability, rather than effort, we give them a fixed mindset. A child with a fixed mindset will look for external validation and excellent results to prove and reinforce the belief that you gave them. Let’s use the opening example to explain further – “Wow, I’m so proud of your drawing, you’re an incredible artist”. In this statement you are telling your child that they ARE an incredible artist (your evaluation). You are also telling them that their excellent artistic ability is what makes you proud of them. There are a few things that are detrimental to your child with this sort of praise:

1.  You have labelled them a great artist, so now anything less than great will make them feel like being a failure.
2.  This is also an external judgement of it being a great drawing, not their own conclusion. This builds a need in them to seek out other’s approval, not being able to judge or appreciate it for themselves.
3.  You linked your pride in them to the excellent drawing, so therefore, if they do a drawing that’s not so good, it implies that you will not be proud of them.

Imagine this instead – “Wow, look at that drawing, you must have worked really hard on that”. By tweaking up how you acknowledged their drawing, you shifted their focus from their ability, to their effort. You’ve still acknowledged their drawing but there’s no link in their minds to you being proud of them because of their ability or because it had to be perfect. This means that when they do a drawing that isn’t brilliant, they won’t have their own self-esteem tied to the result – bad drawing means I’m hopeless and Mum/Dad aren’t proud of me. Instead they will reflect on a bad drawing as, “maybe I just need some more practice to get a better outcome”. This type of thinking doesn’t damage their self-esteem and encourages them to keep trying and not quitting (often quitting is an action to protect self-esteem from more of a hit).

Just this week my 16 year old son sent me an sms from school (let’s not go there about what he’s doing on his phone at school), to excitedly tell me that he got an A for a maths test. I could have replied with something like, “Wow, this is an excellent result, you’re so good at maths”. However, if I had responded like that I would have linked his good grade to his ability, not effort. If he didn’t do so well in his next test, he would automatically link it to NOT being good at maths and feeling like a failure (also increasing his likelihood of giving up). Here’s how I responded to his sms, “That’s a great reflection of the work that you’ve put in and your positive approach towards study. I’m so happy for you”. By framing my praise around the effort, not the result, this means that if he does badly next time, he has the ‘growth mindset’ to reflect on why the result wasn’t as good (maybe he didn’t study so hard) and then his self-esteem is intact and he’s learnt that working harder would have changed that outcome.

It’s never too early or too late to start this type of talk with your children. When they are first attempting new things – walking, writing, reading, swinging etc – be careful to praise the effort, not the result. It takes a little bit of practice at first, but it won’t be long and you’ll find it much easier to do.

Good luck as you help your children grow into stable adults who won’t be searching for external validation of their worth.


Comments
    Picture

    Author

    Stephanie Noon is a Life Coach with a passion for helping people to live a fulfilling and energised life.
    Find out more about her here.

    Archives

    March 2017
    December 2016
    September 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012

    Categories

    All
    10 Tips For Happiness
    Acr
    Active Constructive Responding
    Affirmations
    Anxiety
    Barbara Fredrickson
    Being Healthy
    Carol Dweck
    Character Strengths
    Chris Peterson
    Christmas Stress
    Communication
    Death
    Depression
    Diet
    Dr Martin Seligman
    Emotional Strengths
    Exercise
    Family
    Fear
    Fixed Mindset
    Friends
    Fulfilment
    Giving
    Goals
    Grateful
    Gratitude
    Gratitude Visit
    Grieving
    Growth Mindset
    Happiness
    Journaling
    Life Satisfaction
    Limiting Beliefs
    Love
    Low Self Esteem
    Man's Best Friend
    Marriage
    Martin Seligman
    Mindfulness
    Optimism
    Over Eating
    Positive Psychology
    Praise
    Reaching Goals
    Reframing
    Relationships
    Resilience
    Resolutions
    Rich Kids Of Instagram
    Savouring
    Saying Goodbye
    Self Belief
    Self-belief
    Self Esteem
    Self-esteem
    Shelly Gable
    Smart
    Using Your Strengths
    Wellbeing
    Women

    RSS Feed

live life coaching
Meet Stephanie
About Life Coaching | Services
Testimonials | FAQs | Workshops
Blog
Contact
p: 0416 097 747
e: [email protected]
Website by Gadget Coach