Sometimes we can underestimate the impact our words have on how we feel and behave. There are a few phrases that accidently have a negative or disempowering affect. Here’s the main ones that I hear, maybe you can relate to them:

I don’t have time
“I really want to get fit but I just don’t have time”; “I want to learn how to play guitar but I don’t have time”; “I want to start practicing meditation but I don’t have time”……you know the sort of thing. I invite you to reflect on your last week and consider what you did make time for. Did you watch a compelling reality TV show? Did you do some clothes shopping? Did you use Facebook for more than 15 minutes? We can usually find time for the things that we really want to do. The reality is that if we really wanted to get fit/play guitar/meditate, we would find the time. A good starting point is to change your story about not having time. It’s a story, and one that’s not serving you very well. It’s also very helpful to do away with the word “should”. Any sentence with “should” in it means it’s not going to happen. For example, “I should go running tomorrow morning”. Change it to “will” and notice how much more empowering that is. Also ask yourself, “if not now, when?” We’re unlikely to have any more time in the future, so what are you waiting for? Another tip is to break your goal down to tiny little achievable bits. For example if you want to get fit, start with a two minute run, that’s it – no more, no less. Celebrate that you achieved it; pat yourself on the back. The next day, run for three minutes, and so on until you’re running for 30 minutes (or whatever your goal is). Reduce the original goal down so small that you will achieve it, then build on it from there. And remember not to use lack of time as an excuse, end that story and it has less chance of effecting you.

I’ll be happy when…….
This is commonly spoken or thought…..”I’ll be happy when I buy that new house”; “I’ll be happy when I finish my degree”; “I’ll be happy when I retire”’ etc etc. The reality is that you can chose to be happy now. Chances are that when you get the thing that was going to make you happy, it actually doesn’t. Why? Because happiness is an inside job. Often people look for a quick fix to their feelings of discontentment and believe that material things will shift that. Material purchases and even a big win in the lottery will usually bring immediate, yet short term, satisfaction. Deeper and longer life satisfaction is borne from being grateful for what we do have, giving to others, helping others, showing compassion and care. Next time you hear yourself saying, “I’ll be happy when…..” perhaps pause and reflect on all the things that you have to be grateful for right now, and go and do a random act of kindness for someone….and see how you feel then.

I can’t help it
I hear this one often from my clients…..”I can’t help it, that’s just how I am”. I invite you to really consider if this is true. No doubt that many of us have life-long ways of thinking and behaving, so they become more automatic but we can usually change them if we chose to. If you lose your temper too easily, eat too much, dislike certain people (race/gender) or anything that you feel is simply how you are, I encourage you to reconsider this. We can all change up thinking or change a behaviour that is not serving us a good purpose. Yes, it will take some discipline and time but it is achievable. When an incident happens that automatically triggers a response that you feel you can’t help, gently pause and ask yourself what other way you could consider this.

I can’t forgive them
The most common resistance that I hear about forgiving, is that if I forgive them it means I’m saying what they did was OK and it wasn’t, so I refuse to forgive. Holding onto this anger and resentment only serves to continually make you feel worse and drained, and doesn’t actually change the bad thing that happened to you. I invite you to flip forgiveness on its head. You forgive simply because you want to move on and you recognise that holding onto it is not good for you. It does not mean, in any way, that you’re saying what they did was OK. You are simply acknowledging that what happened to you was hurtful and unfair but that for your own sake you chose to forgive (not to forgot or condone). It might help to place your hand on your heart, take a few deep breaths, and see yourself letting it go for your own good. You will be the beneficiary of this action, not the perpetrator.

I hope that these suggestions may help you shift some unhelpful language that you might be using, so that you may live a happier life.

Having just completed my Christmas shopping, I was quite confronted observing the tension and stress in so many people who were also out Christmas shopping. I understand that it is busy and we’re time-poor but this got me reflecting about how wrong I think so many of us have got it.
Let’s lift this out of the minutiae of the actual shopping experience and consider a broader, more sinister issue going here, it’s called materialism. Our society seems affected by materialism in two ways – either seeking happiness through material goods or using those goods as the measure of our success. I think this is what disturbed me so much while observing the manic shoppers, it wasn’t just that they looked stressed and hassled, they seemed to have something much deeper driving their needs – the need for external approval or validation for their gifts. What if their present wasn’t good enough – does that mean you’re not good enough? What if someone else got something better than you did – is the other person better than you?
Materialism forces us into comparisons which are fuelled by media. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and the World Wide Web promote this form of measure, which very few of us can live up to, ultimately leaving us feeling inadequate. Here’s the sad catch – the material pursuit of self-esteem actually reduces our self-esteem.
These daily doses of materialism lead us to believe that having money and possessions enhance our wellbeing (you only have to look at some photos of the Rich Kids of Instagram to see how happy and smug they are looking). Yet the science tells that this is a very misguided belief. Materialism undermines personal and social wellbeing. Look closely at those rich kids flaunting their goods and there’s something that jumps out, mostly they are alone with their riches. Their eyes don’t look happy to me. Where are their friends? Our happiness and psychological well-being is significantly enhanced through being around friends, not possessions.
Gift giving does enhance our positive feelings but not when it’s done as some sort of contest for love and affection in return. The more expensive the present, the more you should be admired in return, right? No, this will not bring you any long term happiness. This applies equally to the rich and the poor; this isn’t just an issue for the wealthy.
There are so many free ways to give at Christmas that will actually create a far more meaningful experience for you and the receiver. We don’t need to compete with expensive presents. I’m not naive enough to expect people not to buy anything, but all the scientific measures will tell you that real happiness and joy come from a different place. Try these:

• Write a personal note, from the heart, about what you’re grateful to the recipient for. Reflect on what you most respect, admire or appreciate about them and let them know.
  

• In lieu of gifts, make a donation to a charity. Do this as a family, all contributing something (if your children are small, even 20 cents is fine, it’s the experience that matters). Then sit together and decide which charity you will give it to, and talk about the difference that it could make. 
  

• Give a gift to someone that you don’t know. Give it away through the Salvation Army or local Food Shelter.
  

• At the Christmas dinner table, invite your friends and family to share their successes and joys from the year. Use ‘Active Constructive Responding’ to create strong and positive interactions.
  

• Buy experiences, rather than material gifts. Experiences are hard to put a material measure against, they give the recipient something to look forward to (optimism towards our future is beneficial for well-being) and most experiences are done with others and not alone, creating connectedness. You could give a voucher to a picnic that you supply; a massage that you give; doing the dishes; a walk on the beach or going mud sliding together.

Together we can combat this shallow and self-defeating idea that material goods reflect our worth. If we give our children, friends and family firsthand experience of how it feels to receive something other than a really expensive possession, then they get to feel the difference. It’s hard to ignore the good feeling of reading a heartfelt note, for example. Positive feelings are contagious – the more you give, the more they spread. Give gifts of positivity this year and feel the deep fulfilment this brings.
I wish you a very special Christmas day, sharing in the real riches of this world – love, friendship, caring and joy.