Having just completed my Christmas shopping, I was quite confronted observing the tension and stress in so many people who were also out Christmas shopping. I understand that it is busy and we’re time-poor but this got me reflecting about how wrong I think so many of us have got it.
Let’s lift this out of the minutiae of the actual shopping experience and consider a broader, more sinister issue going here, it’s called materialism. Our society seems affected by materialism in two ways – either seeking happiness through material goods or using those goods as the measure of our success. I think this is what disturbed me so much while observing the manic shoppers, it wasn’t just that they looked stressed and hassled, they seemed to have something much deeper driving their needs – the need for external approval or validation for their gifts. What if their present wasn’t good enough – does that mean you’re not good enough? What if someone else got something better than you did – is the other person better than you?
Materialism forces us into comparisons which are fuelled by media. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and the World Wide Web promote this form of measure, which very few of us can live up to, ultimately leaving us feeling inadequate. Here’s the sad catch – the material pursuit of self-esteem actually reduces our self-esteem.
These daily doses of materialism lead us to believe that having money and possessions enhance our wellbeing (you only have to look at some photos of the Rich Kids of Instagram to see how happy and smug they are looking). Yet the science tells that this is a very misguided belief. Materialism undermines personal and social wellbeing. Look closely at those rich kids flaunting their goods and there’s something that jumps out, mostly they are alone with their riches. Their eyes don’t look happy to me. Where are their friends? Our happiness and psychological well-being is significantly enhanced through being around friends, not possessions.
Gift giving does enhance our positive feelings but not when it’s done as some sort of contest for love and affection in return. The more expensive the present, the more you should be admired in return, right? No, this will not bring you any long term happiness. This applies equally to the rich and the poor; this isn’t just an issue for the wealthy.
There are so many free ways to give at Christmas that will actually create a far more meaningful experience for you and the receiver. We don’t need to compete with expensive presents. I’m not naive enough to expect people not to buy anything, but all the scientific measures will tell you that real happiness and joy come from a different place. Try these:

• Write a personal note, from the heart, about what you’re grateful to the recipient for. Reflect on what you most respect, admire or appreciate about them and let them know.
  

• In lieu of gifts, make a donation to a charity. Do this as a family, all contributing something (if your children are small, even 20 cents is fine, it’s the experience that matters). Then sit together and decide which charity you will give it to, and talk about the difference that it could make. 
  

• Give a gift to someone that you don’t know. Give it away through the Salvation Army or local Food Shelter.
  

• At the Christmas dinner table, invite your friends and family to share their successes and joys from the year. Use ‘Active Constructive Responding’ to create strong and positive interactions.
  

• Buy experiences, rather than material gifts. Experiences are hard to put a material measure against, they give the recipient something to look forward to (optimism towards our future is beneficial for well-being) and most experiences are done with others and not alone, creating connectedness. You could give a voucher to a picnic that you supply; a massage that you give; doing the dishes; a walk on the beach or going mud sliding together.

Together we can combat this shallow and self-defeating idea that material goods reflect our worth. If we give our children, friends and family firsthand experience of how it feels to receive something other than a really expensive possession, then they get to feel the difference. It’s hard to ignore the good feeling of reading a heartfelt note, for example. Positive feelings are contagious – the more you give, the more they spread. Give gifts of positivity this year and feel the deep fulfilment this brings.
I wish you a very special Christmas day, sharing in the real riches of this world – love, friendship, caring and joy.

I love my family! I’ve been reflecting on the richness of the connections within my family and how lucky we are to love each other. Since becoming a life coach and having the privilege of people sharing their stories with me, I realise how lucky we are to be a close family. Even if you're not close to your family, there are benefits of other close relationships, so I thought I'd share some ways to build them.
 
I come from a relatively large family – I have three sisters (one of those is my twin) and a brother. So we grew up as a family of seven (with Mum and Dad) on a vineyard. While I’m not going to pretend that everything was always rosy in our house, one thing I do know is Mum and Dad were jointly clear about one thing, “if you can’t get along with your family first, how do you expect to get along with anyone else in this world?” We lived by that. Today, we’re all grown up and have families of our own but collectively we still find our family get-togethers some of the best times we have. 
 
Last weekend we went away for our annual Girls’ Weekend. For 20 years we’ve been going away for one weekend a year with Mum, my three sisters, sister-in-law and now our daughters come too – 11 of us all together (that's us in the photo - minus my niece who was taking the picture!). I noticed how uplifting the weekend was for my spirit, my energy, my happiness and my positive feelings. So much goodness from a mere weekend away. Why? I believe that there were a couple of things at play. Firstly, it was because we were connecting socially and secondly we were sharing stories with people who really cared and listened. 
 
Research by Barbara Fredrickson, a professor at the University of North Carolina, found that positive emotions and social connectedness helped moderate negative emotions and blood pressure. In Fredrickson’s newest book, Love 2.0, she says “The love you do or do not experience today may quite literally change key aspects of your cellular architecture next season and next year – cells that affect your physical health, your vitality, and your overall wellbeing.”  Science is showing that spending time with your family or friends not only feels good in the moment but it is important for our ongoing health and wellbeing. 
 
Further to this, work by psychologist Shelly Gable and colleagues, from the University of California, found that sharing in the good times with our family and friends is equally as important as being there for them in the bad times. People who celebrate each other’s accomplishments are more likely to be satisfied and committed to their relationships, and are able to enjoy greater love and happiness.  If you use generous listening and questioning when a friend is sharing a positive experience, it helps the friend to consolidate that memory as even more positive than it actually was and it will be easier for them to recall this good memory for years to come. Importantly, the research says that you will also feel happier from sharing in your friend’s experience. This develops a special connection between the two of you, for the betterment of you both.
 
My guess is that was what was happening for me following our Girls’ Weekend. Being surrounded by loving and generous listeners, I got to share and re-live some of my positive experiences and I also got to
listen to others share theirs. All this happening while we were socially connecting – and maybe some great food and wine helped too! 
 
This is accessible to anyone. You can create new and strong friendships by being a generous listener and inviting people to share their good news, in as much detail as possible. This will help to build positive  emotions and overall wellbeing.
 
I’m very thankful to my parents for insisting that we got along. I have been able to take that outside of the family and enjoy some wonderful friendships too. You too can do this for yourself and your children and friends, by sharing time together and being interested in their lives – the good and the bad. Perhaps you could give it a try, what have you got to lose?

Today I went to a wedding. Like most weddings it was beautiful and heart-warming to witness two people publicly declaring their love for each other. On my way home from the wedding I was reflecting on many of my clients and friends who have shared a similar wedding day filled with hope, love and dreams, only to have developed issues with their spouse over the following years. So what happens? What changes? Why does it seem so difficult to remain connected?
I'm  not going to pretend that I know all the answers to those questions but I do know that the way we communicate with each other plays a large role in our chances of living 'happy ever after'.
There is a very effective communication tool developed by Shelly Gable et al (2004) called Active Constructive Responding (ACR). When we learn to respond to our partner (or friends, children, work colleagues) in an active and constructive way, the person you are talking to benefits and your relationship with that person strengthens. 
Most of us automatically communicate in a passive/constructive manner. This is neither beneficial, nor especially bad for the relationship. An example of passive/constructive communication would be when your partner is sharing some happy news with you and simply respond with, "that's nice sweetheart, I'm happy for you"......on the surface, not a bad response but on closer inspection, it's not especially engaging, nor encouraging the person to deeply share their positive experience.
More damaging to a relationship is using a passive/destructive response (e.g. what's for dinner? - simply not even acknowledging what has been shared) or an active/destructive response (e.g. they must have been hard up for people if they chose you!).
Real power and connection for relationships comes when we use active/constructive responding, which would look like, "Wow, that's amazing, please tell me exactly where you were when you heard that.....explain the feelings you felt when they told you.......I can easily see how your strengths support that, they must have seen that in you too....." etc. You help your partner to re-live, or savour, the positive emotions they felt and you flesh out, with genuine interest, the things that contributed to the positive event happening. 
Gable found that how people respond to good news significantly predicts the quality of the relationship.
My hope is that before relationships drift and assumptions begin being made, that people will honour rich listening and generous questioning, using Active Constructive Responding, to promote the sharing of positive emotions and experiences.
And may my friends who married today live happily ever after!