Recent research reveals that over-thinking negative life events and using self-blame is a risk factor for depression and anxiety. Rumination (to mull something over and over) is not a very healthy way of processing emotions. Yet most of us do this without realising the impact. When something doesn’t go well, many of us quickly drop into thinking and re-thinking how we could have done better, or why we failed. This repetitive negative ‘record’ only serves to make us feel down.

Next time you notice a negative reflection going around in your head, do your best to simply stop it. Don’t be angry or frustrated at it, simply notice it, remember that over-thinking doesn’t serve you well, and stop that thought. You may try replacing it with something more realistic or helpful, or you may wish to intentionally shift your thoughts to something good – such as an outing that you have coming up or even reminiscing about something from the past that was fun.

There is a fine balance between rumination and self-reflection though. It is good to reflect with curiosity and care when something doesn’t go to plan, so you can grow and learn. But to simply replay a bad event over and over, berating yourself for what went wrong, doesn’t serve any good purpose. If you reflect through a place of love and care for yourself, with a true desire to grow and learn, then you are more likely to benefit.

In addition to avoiding over-thinking, try to intentionally fuel your brain with positive emotions through being grateful, doing acts of kindness, exercising and having fun.

If you work on minimising the negative thoughts and maximising the positive ones, you may find a whole lot more wellness, happiness and fulfilment in your life. Good luck.

Eleanor Roosevelt understood the strengths of women when she famously said, “A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.” And this is my experience with women, often when their backs are against the wall, they find a strength that they probably didn’t know existed. Yet women can be their own worst enemy. They are their own harshest critic, the first to chastise themselves and seldom do they feel they did well enough. Often this self-criticism is unwarranted and unjustified, yet it is this very quality that also gives women that inner strength that Eleanor Roosevelt noticed.
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema was a professor of psychology at Yale University, and her research supports that women really do have four special strengths:
1.       Emotional Strengths
Women have strong emotional intelligence that enables them to understand their own feelings and those of others. They use this understanding to better cope with life. These emotional strengths makes them skilled at making major decisions because they can anticipate the emotional consequences of their life decisions.

2.       Relational Strengths
Women have a tremendous ability to connect with other people. During stressful times they turn to their strong social networks for support. They also use their relational strengths to inspire others to give their best and to work towards a common good.

3.       Mental Strengths
Women have a unique flexibility of mind that helps find creative solutions to problems. And they’re not at all precious about it being done their way; just as long as it gets done.

4.       Identity Strengths
Women have a strong sense of their values and identity. This helps them to deal with change and uncertainty because their sense of themselves isn’t dependent on what they do, what they have or who they are.

Further studies[i] have also identified that these four strengths assist women equally at home and in the workplace. They can communicate the values, purpose and importance of an organisation. They are optimistic and excited about their organisation's goals and inspire others to be just as enthusiastic. They focus on the development and mentoring of others and on their individual needs. They gain the respect and loyalty of others.

This isn’t about arguing over whether women are better than men. And it’s not about man bashing. It’s about putting forward some facts that show women have many strengths that are of significant worth, in the hope that more women will stop under-valuing themselves. I have seen so many women at their lowest point who still dig a little deeper to go on regardless of every instinct telling them to stay in bed. Women are so incredibly strong and morally courageous and I wanted to acknowledge and celebrate each and every one of you.

I am blessed to be surrounded by many women whom I admire, respect and model from. My mother, like so many women of her generation, has been an exemplar of these unique strengths.

I encourage all women to celebrate their genetic gifts and be empowered by them.  And for men to embrace and engage with these strengths. When men and women unite their strengths together, that's when real progress is made.

[i] . Psychologist Alice Eagly of Northwestern University compiled 45 studies comparing the leadership styles of men and women

I've been life coaching for over five years now and in that time I've noticed a number of common problems that people tell me about. One of these (and predominantly for women) is low self-esteem or self-belief. This may play out that people feel the need to be perfect to protect their fragile selves from criticism, or they feel unworthy of being noticed or loved. Often we don't even consciously realise how feeling like this is holding us back. Sometimes we know, but feel powerless to do anything about it. 
Try the following to help shift these limiting beliefs:
1. Where did I learn this?
A good starting point is to reflect on where you first learnt those limiting beliefs from. Did your mother or father use language that 'told' you you're not worthy or lovable? For example, "you're hopeless, I don't know why you even bother trying". Or you may have simply observed your older sibling receiving much more praise and attention than you and no matter how hard you tried, you weren't noticed. It can help to understand why you originally developed your limiting belief. Please note that this isn't about blaming your parents or others, it is simply because the first steps to change is to have awareness of your problems.

2. How can I shift this belief?
(a) Journaling - Begin by keeping a journal with you and noting in it every time you think a negative thought about yourself. Note what triggered the thought and what you said to yourself and the resultant feeling. This helps you to be very clear about the underlying belief that you have about yourself. Sometimes it's quite shocking how often we speak badly to ourselves. It's hard to imagine we'd ever speak to anyone else in the manner with which we chastise ourselves.

(b) Reframing - Once you're aware of your negative words, you can 'reframe' them into something more positive. To begin with this might simply be softening them a bit. For example, if you commonly call yourself a "dumb idiot" if you make a mistake, you might want to start with softening that to "a bit careless". Better still, it will help to move to something more positive like, "I didn't do that correctly this time but I'm a great learner which will help for next time".

(c) Challenging assumptions - Those of us with lower self-esteem will often assume other people's opinions of us or of our work, and we often make out those assumptions to be much worse than the reality. Be alert for your assumptions (even of loved ones that you know well) and ask yourself, "do I really know for sure that is what they are thinking, or am I assuming it?". If you are assuming it, try to challenge the assumption by exploring the most likely reason they said or did something, rather than the worst case that you assumed. For example, if your colleague asks for some help and you don't know the answer, rather than assume they think you're stupid because you didn't know, challenge that by asking yourself what you would think of your colleague if the roles were reversed. Chances are you'd think nothing of it and go and find the answer somewhere else.

(d) Change statements from absolutes, to questions - If you catch your self-talk making concrete statement like, "This is impossible" or "I'll never understand this", change those statements to questions by inserting "how". For example, "How is this possible?" or "How can I understand this, who can help me?". This shifts a negative belief from seeming like a permanent state for you, to one that is situational and can be resolved.

(e) Where is the evidence? - When you catch yourself using negative self-talk, ask yourself, "where is the evidence that this is true?" For example, if you think to yourself, "I'm hopeless, I always get things wrong", you can pause and ask yourself, "where's the evidence that supports that this self-statement is true?" You might reflect on how you hold a good job, you have your own car and lovely partner, so there's some immediate evidence that you're not hopeless and don't always get things wrong.

(f) Affirmations - Creating positive affirmations (a statement about who you want to be) is an effective tool to shift negative beliefs into positive ones. Done on a daily basis these statements become who you are and how you behave and will eventually take over as your new automatic thoughts. Here's an excellent article explaining how to do them - http://stress.about.com/od/optimismspirituality/a/positiveaffirms.htm

(g) Celebrations - As you use these tools outlined above, take a moment to celebrate your effort for change and rejoice in any little successes that you have along the way.

I wish you every success as you step out into a more empowered life. If you would like any help claiming an empowered you, please contact me below for one-on-one life coaching sessions.

With my love and appreciation,
Steph